Well I only posted once between the two TBTs I’ll work on that. This was another start that never made it anywhere. i think this one is 3 + years old.

It would seem that with time my mind has aged in a manner most unfitting. 3 years have passed and I feel as though I’m near death. 24, close to 25 yet the feeling inside is defeat. How much suffering can one undergo? 1^st world problems is what we call it. Not real problems. I eat enough, I drive to work, I sleep on a bed in a temperature controlled house. Half the world would scoff at my problems, but they are my problems none the less.

The offer I put on a house was accepted today. My fiancé said yes when I proposed following the news that I would be promoted to a Partner by landing the biggest commercial client our firm has ever had. They gave me some sort of European sports car as a gift and my fiancé surprised me with a dog. I got home to find a notice that my High School would be honoring me as one of the most influential graduates and want me to speak at this year’s graduation. All well and good right?

Wrong.

My name is Hermonimus Zech, and I hate my life.

“Fuck man, that’s awesome congrats on the promo bro! Shit, and the lady, the newest Zech I’ll be damned. Never thought you’d settle into this kind of life.”

“Yeah. Dan, why don’t we just lay off all that tonight.”

The bar was filled with young, loud, vibrant people. So many no one would even notice the cloud of despair building over  Zech’s head. His unhappiness was apparent, but the why wasn’t. Dan poked and prodded but gotten nowhere. Zech had made up his mind; the conversation was done. Drink after drink the table filled with empty glasses and the two sat toiling away speechless as the evening unfolded.

“Seriously, what the fuck man? Why are you being such a bitch tonight?”

“Dan I said ‘not tonight’ and I mean it. I’m just not in the mood.”

“Gah, you sound like my wife. I need something to look forward to man, your life is turning out perfect. Exactly how you wanted right? You have the house, the lady, the job. What else could you want?”

Zech flicked the straw in his drink and whispered quietly “My Life…”. The evening was finally ramping up, midnight rolled around and the two friends were only upright as a result of sturdy chairs.

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Wouldn’t it be great if we all just got along? I mean really got along. The kind of getting along where we’re not just looking for a fight.. I mean a scuffle between friends or family is one thing, but beating a co-worker to death is another, or randomly punching a stranger to show off to your friends.

How does that make you cool? Or bad-ass? You know what would make you legit, going toe to toe with a person who knows you’re trying to fight them. Even that though, as a test of athletic ability yes, but when it goes too far you need to stop. Not, “Oh fuck that guy(random dude), I’m gonna kick his teeth in because he looked at me funny/disrespected me/cut me off/ *add whatever other stupid reason here*

I don’t know…

It just seems weird. We all get mad, we all hold a little bit of a grudge, we are all just human. Right? I mean we are all human. I know there are long lasting feuds and there are power struggles, religious conflicts, political conflicts, whatever conflicts. Boil it down though.

Do you want to die? Probably not. Do you want anyone in your family to die? Ehh, that’s a touchy one. How about Do you want ANYONE you care about to die? Probably not.

lets rephrase that… DO you want to be killed? No. Do you want anyone you care about to be killed? No. I guarantee most people feel that same way. Everyone is something to someone else. So when you take someone’s life or hurt someone… you’re hurting a brother, you’re killing a friend, you’re maiming a mom, a dad, a sister, a daughter. You get the picture.

Put the shit in perspective. Think collectively. Now there are crazy people. Defend yourself, within reason, but your average bloke is just that. An average dude. I don’t go around wanting to kill people.

Violence begets violence, but it doesn’t have to. We have to end the cycle. Gang wars, family wars, religious wars. We killed your people because you killed mine? I took your eye because you took mine, I took your tooth because you took mine…. Where does that get us? Blind, toothless, and dead. At least there won’t be any cavities or cataracts…

In all seriousness though. There’s a reason I stopped watching the news(whether that’s the appropriate thing to do or not), this world has gone crazy. Yes it’s better than it was. War was sport. Peasants lives were meaningless. At this point though, it shouldn’t just be getting better, it should be gone.

We spent thousands of years slowly progressing, crawling, as infants our species could barely function(disagree with me or whatever this is an analogy) As time progressed we grew up a little, we’re walking around, able to feed ourselves, to almost get what we want, but we have tantrums. We get irrationally angry and throw fits, throw blocks at the other toddlers. Then we went to school. we had this explosion of knowledge. We learned how to spell, and read, and write. To speak and communicate ideas. To create art! We made friends, but we hated the kids that were weird. We were conditioned to dislike the ones that stood out. We entered junior high and started playing with some serious science. Burnt a classmate on accident and started a fight. Now he’s standing in the corner holding a glass bottle filled with something bad enough to have a skull and crossbones on it. Shit got real. We have the tools to kill everyone at once and it’s two 12 year old kids staring each other down with deadly chemicals in hand.

That’s where we’re at now. Just about anyways. Just a bunch of kids with irrational anger  and frustration. We need to snap out of it and realize we’re on the brink of a self imposed extinction.

Set down the weapons, let go of the anger, and just hug it out.

I’ll just sit back here singing that song in my head while whistling out loud… why can’t we be friends?

Go hawks.

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I started writing a slightly fictionalized autobiography and this is how far I got. I don’t know why I titled it that. But I did. I still may go back to it at some point.

I am a Russian submarine commander

I first met my recruiter in January, I signed my contract in February, and it took until August 1^st to get to BCT. Less than 72 hours later I had a friendly meeting with a bright red stamp.

DO NOT SHIP.

Funny, I had seen these words thousands of times. DO NOT SHIP: on end, double stacked, on side, with poison. It was just a friendly note to let you know how to handle the freight, not this though, this was a return to sender. At least the doctor had a smile, not a friendly one. It said “I’m sorry kid, though luck.” What kind of bullshit is that? Really didn’t see that coming. Queue the music, I guess I’m going home.

The world had a different feel after I left his office, medical records in hand I waved at the specialist behind the desk. The look on his face was priceless. A mixture of “What the fuck?” and “What the fuck?!” I wouldn’t say I was pleased with my current situation, rather I was boiling over with rage, but honestly; what would the point of lashing out be? Being pissy wouldn’t get me anywhere. I met up with Salazar and headed back to the barracks. “What’s the word private? Were you able to settle the fuck down?” DSGT said in his Drill Sergeant way.

“No Drill Sergeant, this soldier has been deemed unfit for service Drill Sergeant.”

“Well, that’s some shit, anything you can do about it?”

“I was told I could try again in 6 months Drill Sergeant.”

By that point he had already lost interest and caught a new soldier nodding off while he was supposed to be reading his soldiers blue book. With how fast they pulled me out of processing, I thought I’d be home by the end of the week. Boy was I wrong.

0400 Wake up

0430 Formation

0500 Chow

0530 Formation

0600 Clean Barracks

0900 Company Detail

1100 Formation

1130 Chow

1200 Formation

1230 Clean Barracks/Company Detail

1530 Formation

1600 Chow

1630 Formation

1700 Company Detail

2000 Personal Time

2030 Formation

2055 Lights Out

0100 2 Hour Fireguard Shift

That was a good day; 3 weeks later they sent me home. If you don’t know, detail means you do whatever someone tells you, it basically means you’re someone’s bitch. Though, I did learn a few things during my short stint in the military. You can’t help idiots not be idiots, and unfortunately, most people you’ll meet in life are idiots. When the plane landed and I walked out to meet my ride and I realized for the first time in my life I had no idea what I was going to do with myself. Fortunately my car was home waiting for me with a full tank of gas and I had a date with a bar. The worrying about the future could wait.

Weird look after weird look, people kept staring at me. It was a little embarrassing. I made a big deal out of leaving and now I’m back. “Didn’t you join the army? Why yes, yes I did. Why aren’t you there? Oh I got kicked out. What, why? I apparently can’t calm down. That sucks. Yes it does.” I’m 99% confident I had that conversation 100 times in the first few days after I got back. All the other conversations were “Well what are you gonna do now? I don’t fucking know. You gonna go back to your old job? I quit, I can’t go back.” Good times.

Surprisingly enough I only had to apply for one job. Craigslist, you awesome webpage you, thank you for exposing me to the world of sales. That’s right, sales. I interviewed with the owner, and then a random employee, who ended up being my leader(who actually worked for a different company), took a test and was hired. Real easy right? Now this wasn’t a “sales job” I was told over and over and over. Management training program was the phrase they liked to say. I quickly learned it was a giant pyramid scheme, but I figured hey, might as well jump on the bandwagon and make some money. I sold entertainment, TV, phone service, and internet. Not really a hard sale. 3 days after I got my sales code they gave me a new sales code and told me I don’t work for the office I applied to I now work for a different guy. This is when it started to go downhill.

The first week I only had two crass customers “Get the fuck off my property” and “Get a real job”, and then I left to a different city. Within the first two days I was told if I didn’t step down I would be put down, had the neighborhood watch called on me, and finally the police. I apparently give off a creepy “I’m casing your neighborhood” vibe. The next city included a few death threats, multiple insults on my character and intelligence, and a group of young people following me around after dark. Fortunately I was only in the area for 3 weeks straight, go me. I was pretty close to quitting; my boss preempted me and I was sent on a business trip, fun times in a different state. It was like the beginning all over again, friendly people, or at least less death threats, and shit load of sales.

“I don’t mean to interrupt, but what does this have to do with the question?” The interviewer chimed in.

“Hold on I’m almost done, I didn’t cut you off while you were telling me about yourself, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.”

Once I came back it was a different story entirely. Well not too different, right back to where I was before I left on the trip, literally, right back. 2 more weeks passed 4 sales total. Fuck that, right? Fortunately my old boss said I was still in the system and I might be able to get my old job back.

“Sir, I’m only going to say this one last time, please answer the question.” The interviewer was growing increasingly impatient.

“You asked about a time at work I resolved conflict right? Ok fine, a guy said that he’d shoot me if I didn’t get off his front porch, so I got off. Can I finish my story now?”

“I think I’ve heard enough, we’ll contact you if we wish to proceed. Please leave. Now.”

So I left.

I had a date with the bar anyways.

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Today’s brief thought:

I may fall victim to this myself, but I believe the simplest solution is often the best solution. For the most part I like simple not complicated things. That doesn’t mean I dislike complex stuff… My first choice is simply not that.

With clothing, I like solid colors. My walls, my blankets, all that jazz. Stripes or something easy at most.

My food, I like plain(not in flavor), I like to appreciate the actual flavor of the food(unless it’s cheap then yes season beyond belief).

With my drinks. I like Ice coffee. That simple. Take drip coffee, add ice, done. Mixed Drinks, Vodka, soda water, ice, done. Or Wine. I like wine…

Now there are exceptions to these as always. When I order a sandwich from subway I have them put on just about every veggie. When I season, brine, or marinade it’s an abundance of things, but often in the end it’s simple. Grilled chicken, pork, or steak.

When you add someone else into this, my god it gets complicated quickly. If I say something I generally mean it. Unless I’m joking. I say what I want, don’t read between the lines. Now I may not always say exactly what I want and that’s my own fault, but if I order a CHEESEburger plain. I want a burger with cheese. Why would you think that I don’t want cheese? I would have ordered a hamburger? It makes no sense.

Now outside of the realm of food and stuffs… Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don’t get offended, don’t get frustrated. Be honest.

That’s it for that… If I had a word to describe the sound I made after typing that I would have put it. It could be described as “I’m disgusted by myself for bringing up an actual mature topic” Some things I’d just rather not touch on at this point. I’ll eventually get to them when the thought has stewed long enough to permeate through down to my fingers.

Anyways..

Have a wonderful day.

Go Hawks!

¿Casey?

yes I still remember how to do those.

Everyone goes through it at some point. That sinking feeling where you realize the situation has gone to shit. Now it could be something small, or it could be huge. It just depends what you value and what you see as important. To some, work would be a big deal if it went south, to others it might be your relationships with friends, family, or your significant other. It could even be your self perception, or health, whatever. Everyone goes through some form of this at some point in their life. Money doesn’t save you from it, it may help certain parts but not all of them. Your color doesn’t save you from it. Your gender doesn’t save you. We as humans are all susceptible to it.

For me, I’ve dealt with a lot of things. Not like some folks, but for my little brain to process it’s been overwhelming at times. Like I said I know everyone has dealt with it, but it doesn’t make anyone’s problems less important to them. For me it’s always osculated between relationships/friendships and my self image. Those are the hardest things for me to manage.

When a friend doesn’t want to be your friend, or when you look at yourself and don’t know who you’re looking at.. those are the two hardest things for me. Work is work, and I love it, but I always seem to bounce back when things go sideways, money is money, it’ll get sorted eventually as long as I’m not stupid, but trust.. trust and friendship once lost… phew. That’s no easy thing to rebuild. Sometimes it’s not even that. Sometimes you have no idea what happened(which in my opinion is way worse than actually messing up the friendship) It’s a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around, waking up and thinking “I don’t really feel like being friends with this person anymore”.

Self image on the other hand is completely in your control(most of the time). You control what you eat, you control what you do, what you say, how you take care of yourself. So how is it that we let ourselves go so far from what we think we should be? For me I’m still stuck thinking I should be this awesome guy that can run forever and never get tired, but I’m not. I’m almost 27 completely out of shape and overweight. I can’t blame anyone but me for my issues. Other folks I know have had medical problems pop up time and time again inhibiting their potential, but me? I without a shadow of a doubt could have maintained. I didn’t.

So here we are, now that I find myself or we find ourselves in these positions, what do you do? What do I do? What SHOULD we all do? I wish I knew the answer to this because I’d be a freaking millionaire. I do know a few things that I thought would work but ended up being rather detrimental to me.

First things first, distinguishing between controllable and non controllable. I gained 40lbs for me that’s a controllable. I need to work out and eat better. My friend doesn’t want to be my friend. Why? because I said stupid stuff and was rude. Ok that’s a controllable. Another friend doesn’t want to be my friend. Why? I have no idea. That is not a controllable.

Step one done.

Next thing. DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. Yeah we all make mistakes. We let ourselves go, we screw up and say the wrong things. whatever. You’re not special when it comes to that. You’re not above mistakes. Don’t take this as it’s ok to be an ass to everyone and not care, but it’s part of growing up(which you never stop doing). You keep learning up until the moment you die. Life is a process of which no one is the master. Learn from it. Use these things to help understand why. Why did I gain a bunch of weight? Well I kept my eating habits, but I stopped working out. I became sedentary. Simple right? but that’s not why. I was unhappy with a lot of things and I lashed out in a childish way by abandoning the thing that kept me in the shape I wanted to be. I ate to feel happy but it made me fat and unhappy. Which meant I wanted to eat more. Fat Bastard summed it up rather well. “I eat because I’m unhappy, I’m unhappy because I eat” I don’t know if that was a quote from something else, but it truly is as he put a vicious cycle.

The friend part is tricky because that deals with other folks and things beyond which I’m willing to go into at this point. However, recognizing there is an issue is the first step. It’s kind of like AA I think? or that saying if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Well it’s broken, so fix it. You’ve(I’ve) recognized the problem. Now take steps. small steps but take them. You will fail again, I will fail again. It’s not going to be easy. The worst thing, the only thing I will say DO NOT DO, is give up. “Never give up. Never surrender”(galaxy quest was an amazing movie).

That’s as far as I’ve gotten. Everything else to me is a mystery. There are ideas I have for improving how you value yourself, but that’s for another blog.

This has taken a bit of a turn. I hadn’t expected that.

That’s one of my little dilemmas.

That being said. You’re not alone in whatever struggle besets you. When the world feels like it’s caving in and you just don’t know what to do reach out. Sometimes it feels like there’s no one there, but there are. There are hotlines(as lame as it sounds those people care about you, they really do). Special people who care about strangers. More often than not you have a friend, a family member or someone who cares.

In the end what do I do? I write. I talk. I record. I used to run. Maybe I should start doing that again?

What do you do?

So. About that…. I signed into my Maker Max account. It says my application was accepted. So that’s cool. The only problem is for some reason I can’t log in now? It’s really weird.

I was told today my new glasses look like batman glasses. 

I think I need a hair cut..

What was I saying? Oh yeah YouTube.. So I read over the contract and submitted my agreement thingy, but now I can’t seem to access it. I’m not really concerned, I mean I don’t have that much traffic through my account anyways so if worst case scenario happens. oh well right? I was only up to 13 subscribers and 2500 views or something. 

Crazy though. I was relatively shocked by it. Wouldn’t that be wicked though? I’ll seriously need to step up my game when it comes to production value. Or… be more active with it. It’s not going to be easy. I have the hardest time doing those walk around bullshit vlogs. I did a few but it’s soooo awkward. People look at you like you’re crazy. As much as I don’t care what people think when I’m just wandering around, it really unnerves me to carry a camera and talk to it. Maybe it’s because I’m just uncomfortable talking to a camera in the first place?

I had a brief conversation with a kid at work(I can say that because he’s younger than me). I asked him what his long term goals were, he said a professional drive. By that he meant a drifter. Which I didn’t know was a real thing, but hey, more power to you. It’s awesome to dream. 

Then he asked me…. So I thought for a bit. What do I wish I could do? I’d be an actor. Not saying I’m good at it, but it’d be a lot of fun I think. That being said an author would be dope too… The actor thing is funny though, because cameras make me uncomfortable. I could try stage acting? I dunno. That seems intense.. That’s one of the reasons I like YouTube! I get to just ramble, and be me. My little monologues. Kind of like this.

If I could make a small amount of money at the same time.. even better! 

I think I’m done. 

Crash and burn.

Go Hawks!

So… It’d definitely been a few days since I actually wrote one of these. Those last two I wrote about 2 weeks ago. Lets give an update.

I started editing Let’s plays again! yaaay. I also went to PAX. That was pretty awesome. Not for why most people would think. I got cool stuff, I saw some cool games, but that wasn’t even it! The best part was meeting some YouTube celebrities. Dodger from DexterityBonus and PressHeartToContinue, Jesse Cox from… Jesse Cox, and other channels but that was the best way to put it… Strippin From The Yogscast, Ken From CinnamonToastKen… Those folks were awesome. Jesse, Ken, and Dodger I met at a signing so they were probably prepped to meet and great. Strippin on the other hand I went super fanboy and grabbed his shoulder and said “STRIPPIN!!”

In hindsight it was rather embarrassing… He hung around for a bit and we chatted. It was epic. Those folks… all nice people. As I was leaving I ran into Jesse again and talked for just a second…. Oohh super informative. I’ve got to say though, I don’t know how these people do it. That stuff was SUPER stressful. Being around so many people constantly bombarded by fans going OHEMGEE you’re so awesome can I take a picture? Even though I’m 75% of the way to an attention whore I think I’d get sick of it after one day. These guys do it all the time…

I guess it puts fame in perspective a little for me. Having your own personal space and all that.. I feel like I should redact some statements I’ve made previously about celebrities…. oh well. Good luck to all you folks that have to deal with that on a regular basis. I will do my best to simply gawk from a few feet away saying “holy shit dude I think that’s *whoever*” and leave you to your business.

Business…. I have to go back to work. Not excited, but excited at the same time. I’m going to check my work email for the first time in 10 days this afternoon… I forgot to set an auto reply for my email…. whoops…. Hopefully I didn’t miss something major and my project that is due up in a week kicks off well still. I’ll be at work for 3 days then I’m off for another 11.. fucking nuts. right? phew… I like pistachios. I could go for some of those right now…

Oh shit, I forgot. I got my TV, well a rear projection TV. I’ve disassembled it already. The science will have to wait until next week when I’m on vacation again. It’s going to be GLORIOUS. I’ll post pictures and videos of my success or failure…

In other glorious news, I’ve happened upon Russell Brand’s YouTube account. That is one interesting man. While I don’t agree with him completely he’s definitely got a few good ideas and has a wonderful look on life in regards to the value of humans and stuff. alright well time for me to go!

Go Hawks! 

Let’s go back, waaay back… back to 2011. So here I was, all ready to become a soldier and give my life for my country and fellow Americans. I assumed incorrectly I would be around like minded folks. People who took it seriously, mature individuals and what nots.

WRONG

Most of them were dumb kids with huge attitudes. Some kids took it too seriously and would insult the others before we were even in real basic. That just seems dumb. I mean, why on earth would you need to be such a cock? So there were a few fights I saw between people who disagreed about random shit.

Anyways, this point I was trying to make is I wanted to skate in under the radar. I didn’t want anyone to pay attention to me and keep a low profile. Almost the first day I was directing people on what to do. I did everything I could to avoid it, but it just kept happening. People sought me out for advice and all manner of shit. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because I looked good with a shaved head? I really didn’t know any more than anyone else, but it still happened. It became highly problematic after the ARMY decided I was not “fit for service.”

I was put into a new group of people TDD or Trainee Discharge Detachment. This was the group of everyone getting kicked out for whatever reason at various stages. Here most folks assumed I had been through basic and was being released for some random reason. Most had no idea I never even got my ACUs. People asked me what they should be doing all the time it was ridiculous… So I started making shit up. It wasn’t until this loudmouth little shit tried to start a fight with me that I realized the full extent of my momentary influence. Every day a new group of hotshot kids would join TDD, and they most often needed to be put in line. In TDD everyone was going home, no one cared why you were going home, you just were. The goal was to make it as painless as possible. Most of our time was spent cleaning, so we definitely didn’t want to be doing that constantly. We had a system to keep things clean, this gave us much more free time. People would take extra shifts of fire guard duty to help people out that had crap details… we worked as a team. Then the new kids. So this guy comes in talking about how good he was and how awesome he is, and how he tricked them into letting him out because he’s whatever I wasn’t listening. So our PG was trying to get stuff situated and this kid was not having it. Making a big fuss about stuff and being loud. The PG was going over with the new folks the rules and what was expected and had called him over and he refused ( I don’t remember this as clearly as I wish I did it’s been a few years). So keeps going on and I said “Hey, PG called you over, go over”. This kid responds by saying “Yo who the fuck said that? No one tells me what to do, who the fuck said that? I’ll beat your ass bitch” I laughed a bit and got out of my bunk and the two guys next to him leaned over and said something akin to “bro maybe you should calm down, not that guy”

I laughed so damn hard as he dropped his head and walked to the other side of the barracks. What the hell was that? I never even got aggressive with anyone there. I mean, a few people tried to egg me on but they didn’t get me to budge. After that, everyone just did what I said.

A day later PG got his discharge and they were nominating people and bunch of the people wanted me to do it. Fortunately I left the next day.

So I’m back at home, what do I do? Become a door to door salesman…. It was as terrible as it sounds. I sold internet and tv. I did a great job at first, then I found out it was corrupt and simply put not good. While I was there though, people looked to me within the first week. Well like one or two. Then I started sucking and quit….

Fast forward to Cardinal health….

I was looking for a job where I could punch in and punch out. I didn’t have to think or do anything. I simply wanted to process product and to be left alone. The first few days were exactly like that. It was awesome. Then people started asking me what to do…. Really? I had been working there for maybe 3 weeks. It was ridiculous. Then I became the day time shipper and had responsibilities… BUUUTT they left me even more alone. However I needed more money so I started a second job at ABF. I trained a guy 4 weeks after I got hired there… not 4 months into working at cardinal health I was interviewing to become a shift lead.  (this is where I start to get real vague) a year later I become a supervisor, a year later I started this blog.

No matter where I go, how much I avoid it, I cannot escape leadership. I’ve tried and tried, but it seems like people naturally gravitate to that conclusion. Or I subconsciously force the agenda, either way they agree to it. The things I skipped out on over the last bit(I forgot why I started writing this and it kind of became a brief biography) deal with attitude towards tasks. Everything I did along the way I did to the best of my abilities. I dedicated myself to it to become better and more proficient. I was great at sales, even when I wasn’t making them I was getting them customers, just not through me because I found them better deals. As a stocker I was wicked fast and came up with great techniques, as a shipper I refined the process so much I had tons of downtime to help other people(mostly it ended up with me being stuck on the dock not doing anything). As a shift lead I was an incredibly fast picker and learned a bunch of new machines, I think I did an alright job…. Then as a supervisor… wellll J people have different opinions.

You know, when I started this I wanted to end up talking about YouTube and streaming games and vlogging and blogging and all that stuff. Tangents man, they’re a bitch. So I haven’t felt a good sense of direction in a long time. Recording lets plays and doing the vlogs and everything is a lot of fun and it’s given me a bit of that. I’ve got things where I try hard and work on that aren’t work. That aren’t competitive. It’s just for my own enjoyment. HOPEFULLY someone else enjoys it too, but you know, whatever. Fuck ‘em right? Do you, discover yourself. I am Casey, I am 26 years old, I have no idea who I am or why I’m here. I’ll keep doing my best to figure that out though. If you’ve made it this far, awesome. Thanks for reading. I won’t talk about work and other weird dreary shit for a while.

Crash and Burn

Casey

Go Hawks!

It’s been a lot longer than I thought. I was way more busy than I had anticipated. I appreciate your patience.

Soooo, where was I?

Oh right, something about losing my purpose and self identity and blah blah… UPS Freight. My home away from home for about 4 years.

The mood of this one will most likely be a little different from the last one.

Just saying.

Soo UPS. My first real real job. Where I had a real schedule and real bosses at a really really big company. I started out with a BS mentality. Honestly it wasn’t very good. I didn’t like working there, I wanted to quit so bad but I needed the money. There was no fire and determination what so ever. I was back to the old guy the me who was timid and all that jazz. The day I decided to stop being a little bitch was when the guy who got hired with me had his mom quit for him. In my head I said, “Wow, what a bitch” so I decided to not be one(this was a big thing for me). It was a major part of my mantra. “I am not a bitch” over and over. So when things got bad at work, like they always would I just took it one step at a time.

Now I did regress with my anger management skills, which I may or may not get to.

Anyways… as my time at UPS went on and I gained a bit of experience the quality of work I produced as well as my work ethic led to me gaining ground with my co-workers. It was at this point I was approached with a second job opportunity with my old crew team to coach weekend classes and a few other random ones here and there. It was awesome. I developed training programs and all that stuff. It was a lot of responsibility. The classes were mine. I had a co-coach, but most of it was ran by me(Chris if you read this you know I’m right, you’re still awesome though). Life started to turn out to be pretty awesome. I was in school, had two jobs, had a great girlfriend. I thought I was sort of settling into a good routine.

BAM!

My friend dies, my girlfriend breaks up with me, all of my classes were canceled due to low attendance…

I again ended up on the outs in my head. Just trying to sort through the bs. Make it day to day… Good ol’ UPS though, kept me being the guy that trained most of the new hires(now mind you I was still a little off), but here I was, sort of leading again. Drivers sort of started to respect me. I was the safety committee rep for the dock. I started making waves. Long story short I ended up caring about work, a lot. It gave me a bit of direction again, and I took everything quite seriously. It was becoming a career not just a job…

Then it happened.

I got promoted.

As a supervisor I grew up a lot. I made tons of mistakes and was still dealing with my weird emotional things, but I couldn’t seem to get away from work. I reveled in the responsibility. I loved showing that my team and I could make the impossible happen. We refused to fail. Now we didn’t always make our goals, but we never failed the customer. It was amazing! So I got this crazy mentality. I worked and worked and worked and worked(I have a bit of an obsessive personality). It was about the same tenacity that I approached crew with. It was wonderful. Unfortunately, unlike crew, work did not make me fit and healthy. Quite the opposite. I became fat and unhealthy. I barely slept, I was angry, I was blah blah whatever.

SOOO Being single and realizing I finally had nothing to hold me back I took a leap that I had always wanted to take. I met with a recruiter to join the Army. After a few months I was approaching my ship date and I realized I had a lot of wonderful friends. Tons of them. I was going to miss them so much, but it made it more meaningful? I don’t know. I’ve lost my train of thought. That was a very weird time for me, and then I was gone.

We’re up to August 1st 2011 at this point. Hooraaay it’s almost present day!