I started writing a slightly fictionalized autobiography and this is how far I got. I don’t know why I titled it that. But I did. I still may go back to it at some point.
I am a Russian submarine commander
I first met my recruiter in January, I signed my contract in February, and it took until August 1st to get to BCT. Less than 72 hours later I had a friendly meeting with a bright red stamp.
DO NOT SHIP.
Funny, I had seen these words thousands of times. DO NOT SHIP: on end, double stacked, on side, with poison. It was just a friendly note to let you know how to handle the freight, not this though, this was a return to sender. At least the doctor had a smile, not a friendly one. It said “I’m sorry kid, though luck.” What kind of bullshit is that? Really didn’t see that coming. Queue the music, I guess I’m going home.
The world had a different feel after I left his office, medical records in hand I waved at the specialist behind the desk. The look on his face was priceless. A mixture of “What the fuck?” and “What the fuck?!” I wouldn’t say I was pleased with my current situation, rather I was boiling over with rage, but honestly; what would the point of lashing out be? Being pissy wouldn’t get me anywhere. I met up with Salazar and headed back to the barracks. “What’s the word private? Were you able to settle the fuck down?” DSGT said in his Drill Sergeant way.
“No Drill Sergeant, this soldier has been deemed unfit for service Drill Sergeant.”
“Well, that’s some shit, anything you can do about it?”
“I was told I could try again in 6 months Drill Sergeant.”
By that point he had already lost interest and caught a new soldier nodding off while he was supposed to be reading his soldiers blue book. With how fast they pulled me out of processing, I thought I’d be home by the end of the week. Boy was I wrong.
0400 Wake up
0430 Formation
0500 Chow
0530 Formation
0600 Clean Barracks
0900 Company Detail
1100 Formation
1130 Chow
1200 Formation
1230 Clean Barracks/Company Detail
1530 Formation
1600 Chow
1630 Formation
1700 Company Detail
2000 Personal Time
2030 Formation
2055 Lights Out
0100 2 Hour Fireguard Shift
That was a good day; 3 weeks later they sent me home. If you don’t know, detail means you do whatever someone tells you, it basically means you’re someone’s bitch. Though, I did learn a few things during my short stint in the military. You can’t help idiots not be idiots, and unfortunately, most people you’ll meet in life are idiots. When the plane landed and I walked out to meet my ride and I realized for the first time in my life I had no idea what I was going to do with myself. Fortunately my car was home waiting for me with a full tank of gas and I had a date with a bar. The worrying about the future could wait.
Weird look after weird look, people kept staring at me. It was a little embarrassing. I made a big deal out of leaving and now I’m back. “Didn’t you join the army? Why yes, yes I did. Why aren’t you there? Oh I got kicked out. What, why? I apparently can’t calm down. That sucks. Yes it does.” I’m 99% confident I had that conversation 100 times in the first few days after I got back. All the other conversations were “Well what are you gonna do now? I don’t fucking know. You gonna go back to your old job? I quit, I can’t go back.” Good times.
Surprisingly enough I only had to apply for one job. Craigslist, you awesome webpage you, thank you for exposing me to the world of sales. That’s right, sales. I interviewed with the owner, and then a random employee, who ended up being my leader(who actually worked for a different company), took a test and was hired. Real easy right? Now this wasn’t a “sales job” I was told over and over and over. Management training program was the phrase they liked to say. I quickly learned it was a giant pyramid scheme, but I figured hey, might as well jump on the bandwagon and make some money. I sold entertainment, TV, phone service, and internet. Not really a hard sale. 3 days after I got my sales code they gave me a new sales code and told me I don’t work for the office I applied to I now work for a different guy. This is when it started to go downhill.
The first week I only had two crass customers “Get the fuck off my property” and “Get a real job”, and then I left to a different city. Within the first two days I was told if I didn’t step down I would be put down, had the neighborhood watch called on me, and finally the police. I apparently give off a creepy “I’m casing your neighborhood” vibe. The next city included a few death threats, multiple insults on my character and intelligence, and a group of young people following me around after dark. Fortunately I was only in the area for 3 weeks straight, go me. I was pretty close to quitting; my boss preempted me and I was sent on a business trip, fun times in a different state. It was like the beginning all over again, friendly people, or at least less death threats, and shit load of sales.
“I don’t mean to interrupt, but what does this have to do with the question?” The interviewer chimed in.
“Hold on I’m almost done, I didn’t cut you off while you were telling me about yourself, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.”
Once I came back it was a different story entirely. Well not too different, right back to where I was before I left on the trip, literally, right back. 2 more weeks passed 4 sales total. Fuck that, right? Fortunately my old boss said I was still in the system and I might be able to get my old job back.
“Sir, I’m only going to say this one last time, please answer the question.” The interviewer was growing increasingly impatient.
“You asked about a time at work I resolved conflict right? Ok fine, a guy said that he’d shoot me if I didn’t get off his front porch, so I got off. Can I finish my story now?”
“I think I’ve heard enough, we’ll contact you if we wish to proceed. Please leave. Now.”
So I left.
I had a date with the bar anyways.
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