So. About that…. I signed into my Maker Max account. It says my application was accepted. So that’s cool. The only problem is for some reason I can’t log in now? It’s really weird.

I was told today my new glasses look like batman glasses. 

I think I need a hair cut..

What was I saying? Oh yeah YouTube.. So I read over the contract and submitted my agreement thingy, but now I can’t seem to access it. I’m not really concerned, I mean I don’t have that much traffic through my account anyways so if worst case scenario happens. oh well right? I was only up to 13 subscribers and 2500 views or something. 

Crazy though. I was relatively shocked by it. Wouldn’t that be wicked though? I’ll seriously need to step up my game when it comes to production value. Or… be more active with it. It’s not going to be easy. I have the hardest time doing those walk around bullshit vlogs. I did a few but it’s soooo awkward. People look at you like you’re crazy. As much as I don’t care what people think when I’m just wandering around, it really unnerves me to carry a camera and talk to it. Maybe it’s because I’m just uncomfortable talking to a camera in the first place?

I had a brief conversation with a kid at work(I can say that because he’s younger than me). I asked him what his long term goals were, he said a professional drive. By that he meant a drifter. Which I didn’t know was a real thing, but hey, more power to you. It’s awesome to dream. 

Then he asked me…. So I thought for a bit. What do I wish I could do? I’d be an actor. Not saying I’m good at it, but it’d be a lot of fun I think. That being said an author would be dope too… The actor thing is funny though, because cameras make me uncomfortable. I could try stage acting? I dunno. That seems intense.. That’s one of the reasons I like YouTube! I get to just ramble, and be me. My little monologues. Kind of like this.

If I could make a small amount of money at the same time.. even better! 

I think I’m done. 

Crash and burn.

Go Hawks!

So… It’d definitely been a few days since I actually wrote one of these. Those last two I wrote about 2 weeks ago. Lets give an update.

I started editing Let’s plays again! yaaay. I also went to PAX. That was pretty awesome. Not for why most people would think. I got cool stuff, I saw some cool games, but that wasn’t even it! The best part was meeting some YouTube celebrities. Dodger from DexterityBonus and PressHeartToContinue, Jesse Cox from… Jesse Cox, and other channels but that was the best way to put it… Strippin From The Yogscast, Ken From CinnamonToastKen… Those folks were awesome. Jesse, Ken, and Dodger I met at a signing so they were probably prepped to meet and great. Strippin on the other hand I went super fanboy and grabbed his shoulder and said “STRIPPIN!!”

In hindsight it was rather embarrassing… He hung around for a bit and we chatted. It was epic. Those folks… all nice people. As I was leaving I ran into Jesse again and talked for just a second…. Oohh super informative. I’ve got to say though, I don’t know how these people do it. That stuff was SUPER stressful. Being around so many people constantly bombarded by fans going OHEMGEE you’re so awesome can I take a picture? Even though I’m 75% of the way to an attention whore I think I’d get sick of it after one day. These guys do it all the time…

I guess it puts fame in perspective a little for me. Having your own personal space and all that.. I feel like I should redact some statements I’ve made previously about celebrities…. oh well. Good luck to all you folks that have to deal with that on a regular basis. I will do my best to simply gawk from a few feet away saying “holy shit dude I think that’s *whoever*” and leave you to your business.

Business…. I have to go back to work. Not excited, but excited at the same time. I’m going to check my work email for the first time in 10 days this afternoon… I forgot to set an auto reply for my email…. whoops…. Hopefully I didn’t miss something major and my project that is due up in a week kicks off well still. I’ll be at work for 3 days then I’m off for another 11.. fucking nuts. right? phew… I like pistachios. I could go for some of those right now…

Oh shit, I forgot. I got my TV, well a rear projection TV. I’ve disassembled it already. The science will have to wait until next week when I’m on vacation again. It’s going to be GLORIOUS. I’ll post pictures and videos of my success or failure…

In other glorious news, I’ve happened upon Russell Brand’s YouTube account. That is one interesting man. While I don’t agree with him completely he’s definitely got a few good ideas and has a wonderful look on life in regards to the value of humans and stuff. alright well time for me to go!

Go Hawks! 

Let’s go back, waaay back… back to 2011. So here I was, all ready to become a soldier and give my life for my country and fellow Americans. I assumed incorrectly I would be around like minded folks. People who took it seriously, mature individuals and what nots.

WRONG

Most of them were dumb kids with huge attitudes. Some kids took it too seriously and would insult the others before we were even in real basic. That just seems dumb. I mean, why on earth would you need to be such a cock? So there were a few fights I saw between people who disagreed about random shit.

Anyways, this point I was trying to make is I wanted to skate in under the radar. I didn’t want anyone to pay attention to me and keep a low profile. Almost the first day I was directing people on what to do. I did everything I could to avoid it, but it just kept happening. People sought me out for advice and all manner of shit. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because I looked good with a shaved head? I really didn’t know any more than anyone else, but it still happened. It became highly problematic after the ARMY decided I was not “fit for service.”

I was put into a new group of people TDD or Trainee Discharge Detachment. This was the group of everyone getting kicked out for whatever reason at various stages. Here most folks assumed I had been through basic and was being released for some random reason. Most had no idea I never even got my ACUs. People asked me what they should be doing all the time it was ridiculous… So I started making shit up. It wasn’t until this loudmouth little shit tried to start a fight with me that I realized the full extent of my momentary influence. Every day a new group of hotshot kids would join TDD, and they most often needed to be put in line. In TDD everyone was going home, no one cared why you were going home, you just were. The goal was to make it as painless as possible. Most of our time was spent cleaning, so we definitely didn’t want to be doing that constantly. We had a system to keep things clean, this gave us much more free time. People would take extra shifts of fire guard duty to help people out that had crap details… we worked as a team. Then the new kids. So this guy comes in talking about how good he was and how awesome he is, and how he tricked them into letting him out because he’s whatever I wasn’t listening. So our PG was trying to get stuff situated and this kid was not having it. Making a big fuss about stuff and being loud. The PG was going over with the new folks the rules and what was expected and had called him over and he refused ( I don’t remember this as clearly as I wish I did it’s been a few years). So keeps going on and I said “Hey, PG called you over, go over”. This kid responds by saying “Yo who the fuck said that? No one tells me what to do, who the fuck said that? I’ll beat your ass bitch” I laughed a bit and got out of my bunk and the two guys next to him leaned over and said something akin to “bro maybe you should calm down, not that guy”

I laughed so damn hard as he dropped his head and walked to the other side of the barracks. What the hell was that? I never even got aggressive with anyone there. I mean, a few people tried to egg me on but they didn’t get me to budge. After that, everyone just did what I said.

A day later PG got his discharge and they were nominating people and bunch of the people wanted me to do it. Fortunately I left the next day.

So I’m back at home, what do I do? Become a door to door salesman…. It was as terrible as it sounds. I sold internet and tv. I did a great job at first, then I found out it was corrupt and simply put not good. While I was there though, people looked to me within the first week. Well like one or two. Then I started sucking and quit….

Fast forward to Cardinal health….

I was looking for a job where I could punch in and punch out. I didn’t have to think or do anything. I simply wanted to process product and to be left alone. The first few days were exactly like that. It was awesome. Then people started asking me what to do…. Really? I had been working there for maybe 3 weeks. It was ridiculous. Then I became the day time shipper and had responsibilities… BUUUTT they left me even more alone. However I needed more money so I started a second job at ABF. I trained a guy 4 weeks after I got hired there… not 4 months into working at cardinal health I was interviewing to become a shift lead.  (this is where I start to get real vague) a year later I become a supervisor, a year later I started this blog.

No matter where I go, how much I avoid it, I cannot escape leadership. I’ve tried and tried, but it seems like people naturally gravitate to that conclusion. Or I subconsciously force the agenda, either way they agree to it. The things I skipped out on over the last bit(I forgot why I started writing this and it kind of became a brief biography) deal with attitude towards tasks. Everything I did along the way I did to the best of my abilities. I dedicated myself to it to become better and more proficient. I was great at sales, even when I wasn’t making them I was getting them customers, just not through me because I found them better deals. As a stocker I was wicked fast and came up with great techniques, as a shipper I refined the process so much I had tons of downtime to help other people(mostly it ended up with me being stuck on the dock not doing anything). As a shift lead I was an incredibly fast picker and learned a bunch of new machines, I think I did an alright job…. Then as a supervisor… wellll J people have different opinions.

You know, when I started this I wanted to end up talking about YouTube and streaming games and vlogging and blogging and all that stuff. Tangents man, they’re a bitch. So I haven’t felt a good sense of direction in a long time. Recording lets plays and doing the vlogs and everything is a lot of fun and it’s given me a bit of that. I’ve got things where I try hard and work on that aren’t work. That aren’t competitive. It’s just for my own enjoyment. HOPEFULLY someone else enjoys it too, but you know, whatever. Fuck ‘em right? Do you, discover yourself. I am Casey, I am 26 years old, I have no idea who I am or why I’m here. I’ll keep doing my best to figure that out though. If you’ve made it this far, awesome. Thanks for reading. I won’t talk about work and other weird dreary shit for a while.

Crash and Burn

Casey

Go Hawks!

It’s been a lot longer than I thought. I was way more busy than I had anticipated. I appreciate your patience.

Soooo, where was I?

Oh right, something about losing my purpose and self identity and blah blah… UPS Freight. My home away from home for about 4 years.

The mood of this one will most likely be a little different from the last one.

Just saying.

Soo UPS. My first real real job. Where I had a real schedule and real bosses at a really really big company. I started out with a BS mentality. Honestly it wasn’t very good. I didn’t like working there, I wanted to quit so bad but I needed the money. There was no fire and determination what so ever. I was back to the old guy the me who was timid and all that jazz. The day I decided to stop being a little bitch was when the guy who got hired with me had his mom quit for him. In my head I said, “Wow, what a bitch” so I decided to not be one(this was a big thing for me). It was a major part of my mantra. “I am not a bitch” over and over. So when things got bad at work, like they always would I just took it one step at a time.

Now I did regress with my anger management skills, which I may or may not get to.

Anyways… as my time at UPS went on and I gained a bit of experience the quality of work I produced as well as my work ethic led to me gaining ground with my co-workers. It was at this point I was approached with a second job opportunity with my old crew team to coach weekend classes and a few other random ones here and there. It was awesome. I developed training programs and all that stuff. It was a lot of responsibility. The classes were mine. I had a co-coach, but most of it was ran by me(Chris if you read this you know I’m right, you’re still awesome though). Life started to turn out to be pretty awesome. I was in school, had two jobs, had a great girlfriend. I thought I was sort of settling into a good routine.

BAM!

My friend dies, my girlfriend breaks up with me, all of my classes were canceled due to low attendance…

I again ended up on the outs in my head. Just trying to sort through the bs. Make it day to day… Good ol’ UPS though, kept me being the guy that trained most of the new hires(now mind you I was still a little off), but here I was, sort of leading again. Drivers sort of started to respect me. I was the safety committee rep for the dock. I started making waves. Long story short I ended up caring about work, a lot. It gave me a bit of direction again, and I took everything quite seriously. It was becoming a career not just a job…

Then it happened.

I got promoted.

As a supervisor I grew up a lot. I made tons of mistakes and was still dealing with my weird emotional things, but I couldn’t seem to get away from work. I reveled in the responsibility. I loved showing that my team and I could make the impossible happen. We refused to fail. Now we didn’t always make our goals, but we never failed the customer. It was amazing! So I got this crazy mentality. I worked and worked and worked and worked(I have a bit of an obsessive personality). It was about the same tenacity that I approached crew with. It was wonderful. Unfortunately, unlike crew, work did not make me fit and healthy. Quite the opposite. I became fat and unhealthy. I barely slept, I was angry, I was blah blah whatever.

SOOO Being single and realizing I finally had nothing to hold me back I took a leap that I had always wanted to take. I met with a recruiter to join the Army. After a few months I was approaching my ship date and I realized I had a lot of wonderful friends. Tons of them. I was going to miss them so much, but it made it more meaningful? I don’t know. I’ve lost my train of thought. That was a very weird time for me, and then I was gone.

We’re up to August 1st 2011 at this point. Hooraaay it’s almost present day!

So I lied. You’ll soon learn I do that from time to time when it comes to deadlines I set for myself. It’s been 2 months since I put out a lets play… Anyways I figured I’d drop a rando thought process on you guys to bide my time while I write the next bit about whatever it was I was rambling about last time. My friend has agreed to edit the more thought out blogs to help keep the flow I don’t seem to possess. It’s because when I hustle and flow. The hustling takes precedent.  OOOOOOh sick burn. Except there was nothing flammable.. drats.

I find it difficult to find my flow sometimes because a lot of what I say in conversation  apparently doesn’t classify as actual words in the English language. That or I’ve decided to use words that don’t mean what I use them for. My own slang more or less. I like to use the word erroneous for excessive, which isn’t wholly incorrect. Just, you know.. kind of incorrect.

language is one of those things no one owns and anyone can manipulate. It wonderful. This right here is my freedom to express my haphazard butchered version of the English language. I know that not everyone in the world has the freedom to do this, and that truly is unfortunate.

I’ve decided one of the main reasons I like writing in this more than vlogging is the amount of clothing required. Normally when I write these I’m in my boxers.. I might have on a bathrobe.. emphasis on the word might.

but vlogs, I dunno I have to actually kind of have a direction in mind when I start otherwise I waste time reshooting, and editing, and all that production stuff I obviously hate doing. Not to mention I have to wear actual clothes(I do slip in a bathrobe here and there). With the written word it feels more like my inner monologue. More like, the real me is being expressed. I know I’ve said it’s limited a little, but only in the sense that sometimes it’s harder to string the words together when you’re writing or typing… or my mind gets ahead of my fingers and I lose track of where I was, or where I was going.

I recommend to anyone that has any sort of issues to just write. Write whatever. Even if it’s pages of “I don’t know what to write” eventually you’ll have something. One of my teachers in high school had us do this. I think it varied between 5 and 10 minutes a day. He would put up a topic if you couldn’t think of one for yourself, but the idea was to unclutter your mind.

Get all that garbage out that you hold on to, everything you want to tell people but can’t muster the courage. Those conversations you want to have but don’t know how they’ll go. Just get it out. When I do it, I’ll do it both in written and verbal forms depending on my mood. Often I’ll run both sides of the conversation. It helps me anticipate how the conversation will go if I decide it does still need to take place, but often through this I don’t need to have it. It makes you think outside of your own head. When you put the idea out there and see it through your eyes, or hear it yourself, it changes. You recognize how dumb it sounds or how great, or how… peculiar. Whether it’s a selfish idea or point you’re going to make, or if you yourself are really being the unreasonable one.

I find it also helps with empathy. To play both sides of the conversation you have to put you theoretical feet in their hypothetical shoes(that is probably incorrect but I like how it sounds, so bite me). You can’t just use your thoughts. Postulate why, or how. Expand your mind to recognize that you can relate.

As a homework assignment to whoever reads this and has 10-15 minutes. I want you to do this. Written, voice, or video. You don’t have to share it with me or anyone else(if you want to then by all means do), but for yourself. Get that shit out. Go to the top of a hill and yell at the clouds or something.

Crash and Burn

Casey

Go Hawks!

This is my attempt at sometime other than that bucket thing I spoke of yesterday. This will be a lot longer than the other ones, so bare with me.

Self discovery is not a new idea. It’s something we’ve done as humans for.. well.. as long as we’ve been humans. Probably a little before that too. Pilgrimages and what not. In the time of now people still do often go on those, they go camping, hiking, jump out of airplanes, I honestly don’t know.It’s not something I’ve fully figured out. Who I am, why I’m here, what I’m doing. I have no idea, or at least not a clear idea. As I’ve grown I’ve gone through stages of thinking I knew me, and times where I thought “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!” when looking in a mirror(sorry for yelling, hopefully your volume was turned down).

I’m going to make the assumption that most of us struggle with this. Even those we see as most well rounded and confident. Many of us(again making assumptions) want to or strive to better understand ourselves. I’ve gone through a few things. The first time I felt as though I knew my purpose was in high school. I remember the exact moment. I don’t remember what day specifically, but I’m sure I have it written down somewhere. I was a rower, that’s what I did. To a certain extent I hated it, I also grew to love it. Stockholm Syndrome or something I guess.

I’m going to give a little back story to explain before I go any further otherwise this might not make sense. I was forced into rowing because my mother felt like I needed to be more active, or outside, or maybe just not play video games so much, doesn’t really matter. The first day of practice was during 8th grade, on my 12th birthday. What a present right? I was so mad. Mad doesn’t really begin to describe it, it was almost tantrum status in my head. I complained and complained and complained, for DAYS and WEEKS.. More like months. It took away my time with my friends, my time playing video games, made me go out and be around people I didn’t know(something that I used to absolutely hate). I was smaller and younger than everyone there.

5 feet tall, 90lbs, and 12 years old.

Most of my team mates were 15+ and full on into high school and “maturity” I was obviously alienated a little. Fortunately for me I didn’t have a choice in this, I had to do it. I became a starboard rower most often bow seat. I followed, I was quiet, I was definitely not a leader. As time passed I grew up first physically, within a year I was 5’10 and 140lbs. The next step was mentally, I developed a competitive spirit. I hated people telling me I couldn’t(in no small part due to outside circumstances, but that’s a whole different story). My sophomore year I broke 7 minutes for a 2k, My mom said if I did she would give me some amount of money I can’t remember so I went into practice and wrecked it. We did 2x2k that day. Much to the amazement of myself and my coach I did it back to back within 1 second of each other. This whole time though I still followed and I still rowed starboard. I had friends now, but still not a leader.

(the next part is how I remember it, not 100% accurate obviously)

Junior year it all changed. I went into practice and my name was put as stroke seat. I panicked, I had finally become accustomed to going into practice and was comfortable with who I was. Then this?!? I saw an out, the boat was port rigged. I walked all smug up to my coach “Hey Nick, I can’t be stroke”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“I can’t row port”

“Oh.. Ok”

he swapped my name for Will’s. Little personal victory, or so I thought. The next day I went into practice my name was at the top again. Stroke. I laughed a little inside as I walked up to my coach. “Hey Nick, I still can’t row port”

“Oh I know” he said as he pointed to the boat.

Fuckers came in early and rigged it starboard stroke! Pure panic set in, and Nick saw it. I frantically tried to argue my case why I shouldn’t be stroke. He responded simply “Casey, if I didn’t know you could do it, I wouldn’t make you do it”

That was all it took. The distinction between thinking and knowing. He didn’t say think he said know. Now I know what you’re all thinking this isn’t self discovery, that’s someone else’s opinion. Here’s the thing, this whole back story has been a lead up to this point. When we got in the boat with me as stroke. It felt weird. felt good. felt… something. A few strokes in my heart was still racing. Throughout most of the practice, set drills, pause drills, starts, whatever it was I still wasn’t settled. Then it happened. A full speed race piece.

Locked in at the start I closed my eyes as I head coach yell row.

It was all over for the next 3 years. I found my purpose. To row, to stroke, to race, to win, to lead. Nothing else really mattered. Outside of my team I didn’t care, I mean, I cared but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t take the SAT IIs because of races. That’s how important my team and winning was to me. This was all well and dandy until the end of my freshmen year of college. I have not raced since.

Now with most of my “purpose” gone what on earth am I supposed to do? I went through all manner of issues with self image eventually finding myself working as a dockworker at UPS Freight….

AAND I’ll end it there for now. I’ll finish the rest tomorrow, I’ve got errands to run and homework to do. As I’ve stated before I don’t proof read this so if you find any errors, don’t be an ass.

I started writing about judging people and whatnots. I got about 200 words in and deleted it. It just didn’t seem right for me at the time. I’m not in a serious mood, well I am but I don’t really feel like doing a deep dive into it right now. I am however halfway to passing out…. SUPER tired. I need to get some sleep…. *skip forward 24 hours*

So I was crazy tired all day yesterday at work. It made everything drag. I hate that feeling, where every moment feels, just bad. I look at my watch(Yes I still wear a watch) at the beginning of a task and check it at the end and no time has moved. I thought at least 45 minutes, nope 15.

Side note: I often refer to my brain, my mind, and me as 3 separate entities. So when I make reference to one influencing me I’m not THAT crazy… I swear.

It’s weird because it’s as though my mind knew I was suffering and decided to prolong it. Pretty sure my mind has it out for me.

My friend, I won’t say her name, but it starts with a B and ends with a rianne gave me some advice recently and I’m going to trrrryyyy to listen. It’s not happening so far though.

I think I’ve decided the angle I want to take with my blog now. I’ll go back and forth between just dumping my thought process down onto this in which ever way it happens to fall out. Kind of like pouring a bucket with no spout onto a flat bit of concrete. It’ll just go everywhere. I didn’t write that very well. The other side of it will be an actual focused inner discussion on whatever topic I fancy that day. If you couldn’t tell already this is a bucket day.

I want a cheeseburger. I also like potatoes.

Have you seen Bravest Warriors on Cartoon Hangover? My goodness… If you haven’t you need to fix that ASAP. Catbug is by far one of the best cartoon characters I’ve ever seen. That show is also one of the best YouTube shows I’ve ever watched. Each episode is only about 6-8 minutes. Totally worth watching.

I’m going for a walk at a park today even though it’s raining. I think I need to leave my house more on my days off.

I have a project I want to try. Building a solar forge, but I’m waiting until my shirt that says SCIENCE! comes in the mail so I can record the video while wearing it. Maybe I should buy a lab coat and goggles to go with it?

… Sooo.. I’m going to go.

I promise the next one will have more direction/focus…. or at least I promise to try. I can do that, try. I mean I’m not a Jedi or anything. Or am I? DUH DUh Duh….

Nope I’m a wizard! Harry?

I really need to just end this before I melt out through my nose.

Crash and Burn

Casey’s Brain

Sometimes I say things that are not phrased the best. Initially I started this by saying “death is a funny thing(as in peculiar)” After typing it I immediately deleted it. Death is not a funny thing, death is permanent, final. Death is not funny.

When someone dies a great many things happen. People cry, people send condolences, they pay tribute, they mourn. Some think on the past, others try not to dwell. A lot of it stems from the circumstances of their death. Suicide. Suicide is one of those topics discussed so delicately. Some say it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, others say it’s a cowards way out. I say, nothing. I won’t go into my personal experiences with this topic on my blog, but I can say one thing. We don’t know why. We will never know the why. “Oh he was rich, he was famous he was blah blah blah” He was a person. A person with feelings and difficulties just the same as anyone else. 

My facebook and twitter blew up with condolences and praise. Actor, comedian, comedian, actor. Laughs, funny, Peter Pan, Jack, Mrs.Doubtfire, Genie. Don’t get me wrong these are all sentimental things for me too. I grew up with his works. He made me laugh, and cry, and feel all manner of emotions as I grew into an adult. It wasn’t until I grew up that I learned about his problems. We view these men and women not as people, but as skills and traits. Objectified to entertainment entities. That was his job, it may have been his passion/hobby, but was it who he was? He was a comedian yes, a great one. He was an actor, a fabulous actor at that. But first and foremost he was a man. Just a man. He was also a son(though his parents passed quite some time ago). He was a husband, a father, a brother, and a friend.. Now I obviously didn’t know him, but I wish I did. I have heard and read many great things about him over the years. How good of a person he was, how much he did to help others. He was a good man. A good person. He was more than the sum of his accomplishments though they were great. Sometimes that becomes a burden in it’s own right. 

I will remember him as the man.

Robin, I will pray for you and your family this evening. May whatever burden that caused this be put to rest and may you find peace.